remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
