WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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