omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
