Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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