I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
