You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
