hotel room ftw
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
