I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Semen is not good for contacts.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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