and you said cock pushups were impossible
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
