she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
