3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Randomize
