My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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