I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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