If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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