Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
