Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
