I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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