My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Dignity is for republicans.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
