i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
