I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
My balls are so social today.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Randomize
