ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
