The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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