Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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