NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
