I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
