So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
