sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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