My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
