I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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