I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
