my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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