There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
