it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
