Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
