my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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