my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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