I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
