dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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