Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
