I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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