I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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