Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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