I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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