I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
