my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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