Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
