I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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