How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
