New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
