$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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