just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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