I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
